This week I am going to talk about fear. It is such a complicated thing for me to put into words so I think it will take all week for me to say what I need to say. I am starting with the question,
have you ever felt your fear?
I don’t mean have you ever felt afraid. Most of the time feeling afraid is our big sign to run so we don’t have to deal with our fears at all. Clearly we are all afraid of different things but if you actually try to feel “your” fear you will find that all of the things you are afraid of come from the same spot in your body. This is at least true for me. In moments of true fear or panic we become flooded. We can’t access a logical conscious place when we are in a place of true unexpected fear. So to find the fear within ourselves we need to do it consciously by talking about it to the point where we actually feel afraid. This feeling of fear may first come from feeling angry, I believe most of our negative feelings come from our fear. That is how it came up for me.
Below I am going to tell how a few weeks ago, I felt my fear for the first time ever! I will explain it as simply as I can…
I had planned to meditate that morning but got a phone call from my very good friend before I was able to sit down. I started to talk to her about some things that had gone on with my kids and how angry I was about them. Before I started chatting with her I felt calm as far as I could tell. By the time we hung up my blood was boiling! I thought I was angry but later realized I was afraid. So much for my calm, clear and grounding meditation is what I thought. Instead I sat with this horrible feeling in my stomach and chest. I focused on it to see where my thoughts would take me. (I have been learning to feel my body in these panic moments for months now so it is getting easier and more necessary for me to focus on them.) Then came the whaling crazy crying that happens sometimes. Maybe a little more than sometimes. I let myself cry like an animal feeling embarrassed and ashamed for letting myself do this, “What if some one could hear me?” “What would they think of me?” and that is when I felt it…MY FEAR! I felt it on my left shoulder and the left side of my chest, I felt it behind me on my right side. I was so afraid I couldn’t even make myself turn around to make sure there was nothing there. At first I went to the place of just wanting it to go away knowing that the only way out was to follow it. I found a logical place and asked it why it was there. I didn’t get any answer in that moment. As I sat with it the feeling, it dissipated and it was gone. I was left with a very warm feeling in my right side that amazes me just thinking about it. Since that day I have noticed myself finding that calm warm feeling come to me in times that I start to feel afraid. It is like I made a place that I can find in times of panic. A place that makes me walk to the edge of a cliff and look over and really see that I am in control, there isn’t some invisible force that is going to push me over the edge. I can just enjoy the view! Don’t get me wrong, I am not planning any base jumping or sky diving, just enjoying the fact that I have found a place within myself to surrender.
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